Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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