Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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