The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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