The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
return my video game
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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