it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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