we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
