so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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