CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
