I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
