The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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