just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
