Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
