They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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