what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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