I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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