Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
