My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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