My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She's the barista slut.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
