When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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