apparently the secret to your success is patron
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
