I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
