Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize