woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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