May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
