I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
