overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
