I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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