I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
