if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
