Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
