I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
