you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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