Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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