I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
