It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
