just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
