...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
