This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
