You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
