My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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