tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
