If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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