Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
