He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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