I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
