i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
MIDGETS
????
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
