I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
