Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
