the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
