found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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