i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
