Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
