I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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