this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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