Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
