The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
