my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
