Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
